


I am not Nothing

by Szajnie



Category: Naruto
Genre: Abuse, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-07-20 07:15:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19988227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Szajnie/pseuds/Szajnie
Summary: This belongs in the "CSE" and "Medicated" universe but can stand on its own. A look into Hinata's past.





	I am not Nothing

> _No one ever made me feel as small as you did_
> 
> _No one made me feel as cursed_
> 
> _I'd lie awake in bed just staring at the ceiling_
> 
> _Wondering if things would get worse_

She hides her face in the curve of her pillow, frantically hoping that the sound of her muffled sobs won’t carry out her bedroom door. Her father is in rare form this evening--belittling everything about her from her posture to the way she held her dinner fork. 

She couldn’t do anything right.

Her spelling test was too easy--so of course she got it perfect. Any idiot could spell ‘catastrophe’.

Her math scores were still too low. Her cousin had been in advanced math by the time he was seven and here she was a full year older and struggling.

Her father was right. She was pathetic.

Everything she did was wrong.

She sat wrong, stood wrong, spoke wrong.

She was simply... _wrong_.

Rolling onto her back, she swipes at her eyes, taking a shuddering breath, careful of her split lip. The result of a backhand for stuttering over her apology.

She’d try harder tomorrow.

Tomorrow she’d try and get it right.

Tomorrow she’d make him proud.

* * *

> _I was trapped under your thumb_
> 
> _Believing when you called it love_

It’s not enough that her grades are nearly perfect. _Nearly_ isn’t good enough.

It’s not enough that she can play the piano and speak three languages.

It’s not enough.

 _She’s_ not enough.

She’s not exceptional like Neji.

She’s not brilliant like Hanabi.

She’s soft--like her mother.

Too soft.

Too weak.

Not enough and too much. 

All at once.

She wants to make him proud. 

He pushes her so hard because he has to. She makes it painful on herself because she’s so weak. If she’s being ground down by his expectations it’s because he’s trying to shape her. Into someone of worth. Of value. Every slap is a reminder to watch her speech--to stop stuttering. The bruises on her arms are reminders to stand straighter. The isolation is a reminder that she has to be able to rely on herself. The scale is a reminder not to be soft and weak. He’s trying to make her better. She doesn’t completely understand where she’s _wrong_ in his eyes--all she knows is that she _is_ and she doesn’t want to be. 

She wants to be someone that he can be proud of.

She wants to be better.

If she was better then he would be happy and if he was happy... maybe...maybe he wouldn’t hate her so much?

She doesn’t mean to make things difficult.

She’s trying.

She’ll just have to try harder.

* * *

> _But I will forgive myself_
> 
> _And start to let it go_
> 
> _Accept that who you choose to be_
> 
> _Was out of my control_

Sometimes, she tries to remember the way her mother used to hold her. Sometimes, she even tries to remember what it felt like to have her father hug her. But try as she might, she can’t remember the feel of his strong arms around her shoulders. She can only remember his firm hand clamped upon them, fingers digging in, his voice telling her to sit up straight. She can’t remember the tenderness of her mother’s loving gaze--only the cutting edge of her father’s icy disappointment.

She closes her eyes and hopes that tomorrow she can get it right.

That tomorrow he will look at her and not see a failure.

Not see someone that sullies his name.

But his daughter.

Someone worth loving.

Sometimes she feels that maybe she won’t ever be worth it.

Worth loving.

That she would always be nothing but a failure.

Nothing but a coward.

Nothing.

She’d try harder. 

Maybe it would be different tomorrow.

* * *

> _And though it might be hard_
> 
> _To begin again_
> 
> _I'll write myself a brand new story_
> 
> _With a happy end_

But tomorrow is never different.

It’s always the same.

He never shows her kindness.

His attention and pride are reserved for Hanabi, and Hinata would _never_ begrudge her sister that. She loves her sister.

His disappointment and anger, however, are all hers.

His resentment.

His frustration.

Hers.

Sometimes she hates herself for craving even _that_ from him.

* * *

> _I survived_
> 
> _So tonight_
> 
> _I am taking back my life_
> 
> _And I'll show you_
> 
> _That I am not nothing_

It is both devastating and liberating to realize that no matter how hard she tries, she is never going to be good enough.

She’ll never be what he wants her to be.

Who he expects her to grow into.

She can’t grow because she is wilting...withering..starved of love and affection.

If she stays…

If she stays…

She will die.

She knows this. With absolute certainty.

She feels half dead most days as it is.

A hunched over, bruised, shell of the person she could have been--of who she wants to be. The ‘nothing’ he proclaims her to be.

She wants to be _worthy_...but not for him. Not anymore.

She wants it for herself now.

She wants to crawl out from beneath her father’s shadow.

To live.

She can’t do that here.

She quietly accepts enrollment into the same college Ino will be attending in the fall. It’s not the one her father selected, but that’s part of the reason she wants to attend. Her family’s finances keep her from receiving financial aid, but the school really wants her and offers her a near full ride. Plus she has a few other scholarships and merit based awards that will help her through. She’s lined up work-study and a job. She’ll be busy, but that’s not unusual for her. Busy will help, she thinks. 

She’s scared.

But she’s also buzzing with an excited kind of nervousness. 

It feels a lot like hope.

She’d almost forgotten what that felt like.

* * *

> _I kept my head above the water_
> 
> _'Til the moment when all the elements aligned_
> 
> _And I could fly away to heal my broken spirit_
> 
> _And leave my demons far behind_
> 
> _You always said that I was weak_
> 
> _But the bravest thing I did was leave_

He’s angry--but that’s nothing new. He’s stoic and still in his fury. He’s said all the hateful words he can think of. The ones that used to make her beg for his forgiveness. The ones that had her groveling to higher deities to make her better for him.

She’s crying, but it’s not for him.

She’s shed her last tear for him.

She hugs Hanabi tight, whispering a promise. “I love you.”

Hanabi is stiff and resentful, but before Hianta pulls away, her fingers clutch against her back and she nods. 

Hanabi is strong.

Their father loves her in the limited capacity that he is capable of.

She will be okay.

Hinata knows this. It’s that knowledge that allows her to do this.

She’s leaving. Two bags packed. Only the items that she has earned herself.

“Just going to take your mother’s money and run?” He follows her out the door. “How pathetic do you have to be to not even be able to make it on your own?”

She refuses to look back. 

* * *

> _Looking up at the sky_
> 
> _I think I see the start of a sunrise_

It’s not going to be easy.

She knows this.

But ‘difficult’ and Hinata are old friends.

She’ll make it.

* * *

> _I'll show you_
> 
> _That I am not nothing_

**Author's Note:**

> The song that inspired this fic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNJ--gHasOE


End file.
